One thing about me and Bill BC (before Callie) is that we were quite spontaneous. One of us would say "Hey you wanna go to a movie?" Or dinner or whatever. I think that was one thing that I was struggling with Callie that everything seemed like it had to be planned and planned again like it was Operation Overlord. Today we put that to the test! We went to visit Bill's grandma in her retirement home in the morning. She is struggling with alzheimers and dementia so we wanted to make sure she got to meet her great granddaughter sooner rather than later. When we got there she had just woken up so she wasn't too lucid and didn't seem to recognize any of us. Bill and I went and grabbed a bagel while Grandma Ann watched Callie for us. She practically kicked us out the door:) We came back about 20 minutes later and went to try again. Grandma was much more lucid and seemed very happy to see Callie (Ann had been showing her pictures of Callie) and held her for a bit. It was such a beautiful moment. We dropped Ann at the airport and I texted my mom (we had tenative plans to go to Burrell School Winery for their memorial day festivities). She was on her way to pick berries at a farm in Watsonville with my dad. We decided to do Burrell the following day and then commenced a conversation between me and Bill about whether or not to join my parents in Watsonville. We took stock of our supplies: 4 ounces of pumped breastmilk, 5 clean diapers, wipes. So we went for it! It was a little scary, since the last time we did a long trip in the car (to Oakland) Callie didn't do so hot in the car but apparently she is over that, because she slept the whole way! We made it to the farm and got some pies and picked some berries. I also breastfed in public for the first time. I'm basically at the point of: "screw it." If people can't handle a boob that's their problem not mine. Its legally protected in any public place. I had actually tried using a nursing cover the day before but our girl was waaaay too distracted by the pretty colors in the cover. She melted down a bit when we went to pick berries, but once we were in the car and driving she was a happy camper. So we can be spontaneous, as long as we have a well stocked diaper bag:) With any good operation, its all about being prepared.
Last night Callie was eating like crazy! I was feeding her about every hour and on top of that she took 3 ounces of pumped breast milk before she finally went down around midnight. During the day she was good until we got home from the movie. Then she didn't want to be put down for any amount of time. So I was hopeful when we put her down she would stay down for 4 hours or so. But it was so much better than that! She slept for 6 hours!!! Then went down for another 2 after I fed her again. Glorious!!
Callie and I made our first trip to Diaper Days at Camera 7. They meet twice a month on wednesdays at 12:30pm for movies! It was great! The movie they were screening was the documentary Babies. She was a bit of a mess before we left so I decided just to put her in the car and see if she calmed down. She did, apparently she is way into the car. Everytime I stopped at a light she would start crying again,but by the time we got to the theater she was all good. I put her in the baby bjorn (since you can't bring strollers into the theater) and we walked inside. There were babies of all ages! I was worried there wouldn't be any little ones like Callie around. It was great! There were moms with babies being walked and rocked in the aisles, crying in the theater (but nothing too bad), breastfeeding. The funny thing about the crying is you couldn't really tell what was from the audience and what was from the movie! On the whole it was really nice. Feeding Callie in the dark was a little challenging but we managed. After her feeding she promptly passed out for most of the movie so I was able to watch the movie which was a nice bonus.
So Callie looooves lights! It is like she is in a trance when she looks at them. And her favorite type of light? Florescent. Almost nothing else can take her attention away, except the cat. She is way into the cat right now too.
I went to a mom's group on Monday. I definitely had a rough weekend. It was probably the lowest I had felt since we brought Callie home and I was struggling with breastfeeding. I know a lot of it was knowing that Bill will be going back to work soon and we will be on our own. I suddenly had this feeling that the world had kept moving and I was standing still; like the only thing I have in my life is this baby and it felt so empty. So I checked the website of Harmony Birth Center (where I had been taking my prenatal yoga classes during my pregnancy) and checked out their groups. I am so glad I went. It really helped just to hear that other moms were dealing with the same problems I was. And it made me realize that we are actually pretty lucky in terms of the way Callie sleeps. There were several moms there who said their babies only sleep an hour or two a night! The facilitator was so awesome! She said exactly the things I needed to hear: that we all struggle in the begining, it will get better, and to trust myself. No one has all the answers. When it was my turn to speak I talked about feeling left behind. She said something really interesting: that I need to mourn my old life. I will never be that person again. I will never be a teacher who doesn't have children. But that I can still be a part of that old world. I can still see my friends and hang out with them even if I have a baby. I also talked about how I feel like I need to get out more but I hate having to use my breastmilk. It is the oddest thing: I pump everyday so I have milk ready to go when we go out but I never want to use it. Another mom said she thought it might be because it is so precious! Carrie (the facilitator) asked if I felt comfortable breastfeeding in public yet, to which I replied an emphatic NO. Then she suggested I go places where it is accepted like Harmony. So I think I will be hanging out there for a while until I get comfortable. The other thing that really helped was seeing moms with older babies, like 6 months or so, it looked like fun! Babies that can sit up and play. So at least I have that to look forward to. I know that her being so fussy will pass, its just hard to remember sometimes.
We went in today for Callie's first vaccination: Hep B. I knew it was coming and I was definitely nervous about it. The night before the appointment Bill asked if I needed him there for the appointment. Uhhhh. Ya! We went in and they did the weigh in and she is 10 pounds! She is doing beautifully. She is in the 75th percentile for weight and height. She is 22 inches long. The doctor said she is doing perfectly, she is nice and alert and doing everything she should be. We asked the doctor about how Callie is so fussy around 9:30/10 pm every night. She said it was probably colic and it was normal and to do whatever it takes to get her calmed down, if its feeding or rocking or a pacifier to go for it. We were worried at one point that my milk production was dropping at night and that's why she was getting upset, but the doctor didn't think so. So we felt better after hearing that it was normal and it will run its course and probably be gone in a few months. Then it was time for the shot. They told us that we shouldn't need to worry about fevers that are common with other vaccines. They put the shot in her thigh. There was a split second when she looked confused when they stuck her with the needle. Then the tears and wailing started. And then of course I started. I had never seen her in pain before. She's been uncomfortable before: wet, hungry, hot, cold, etc but never pain. It was so hard to see. I cried as I rocked her and soon she settled down. I fed her and the poor darling passed right out. She's been pretty fussy since I got her home but I imagine her poor little leg is pretty sore from the needle. Next month's vaccines will be worse I imagine, there are a lot more to do next month than just 1 vaccine like this month.
Bill went to work today for a full day. Luckily Callie let me sleep enough last night. We got up around 9:30am for a feeding. Then she promptly passed out for a few hours enabling me to be productive! I finished addressing the birth announcements (although when/how they will get mailed is another matter entirely!), started some laundry, pumped one side and even managed to get a shower in before she started screaming her head off. Then it was feeding/diaper change time. I did also manage to download an app to track feedings, sleep, diapers, drs appts, etc. We had been using the Itzbeen timer but it went ballistic this morning and kept resetting itself. It also didn't store information, so the new app called Total Baby is much better! After her long nap she was a bit of a mess, so it was lots of walking around the house until she fell asleep on me again. I put her down on her activity mat where she thankfully stayed asleep for a bit. Then it was off for our day's adventure! We walked down to the Alameda for some exercise and so mama could pick up some lunch. We walked down to Pasta Pomodoro and I picked up some lunch. While I was waiting for it to be ready, I went into Peet's for an iced soy chai. I sauntered over to a table while I waited which only had (what appeared to be) an empty pastry wrapper on the table. A minute or so later a man about my age walks up and says "Uhh. I was sitting here." So up I went. But it kinda bugged me. How many people would see a woman with a baby and ask them to get up? I'm hoping not many, but I met one of them today! After my drink and lunch were ready we walked back home. All in all, about 45 minutes for the whole trip and she did great! We got back home and I ate verrry quickly, since she was getting antsy. I'm getting really good at that! She was good until 5:30 or so when she got really fussy. She just plain tuckered herself out and passed out until Bill got home around 6:30. Then it was time to pass her off! Just in time! So I'd say today went really smoothly. I know everyday that I am taking care of her by myself won't be this smoothly but this was definitely the confidence booster I needed.
This week Callie is starting to get better with her hands and fingers. The previous two weeks she always seemed surprised to see these wacky appendages flying around her head. Today she managed to pull my glasses off my face, so ya, she's getting good at this hand thing! Unfortunately, her sleep schedule has been a mess this week. Last week was quite nice. She was sleeping for 3, 4 even 5 hour chunks but that seems to be over. We had one night this week when she slept in the co-sleeper, amen! She had been having trouble sleeping flat on her back. She was coughing up breast milk when she was flat on her back. Our doula came over and recommended using the boppy between us. So that's what we had been doing. When she slept on the co-sleeper, we thought "Okay! Hooray! We got this down!" Which of course was our curse. Last night she just wouldn't sleep on her back again or in the co-sleeper. So it was sleep shifts again. She would sleep for a while in her swing so we did 4 hours shifts with her in the living room. Let me just tell you, we have never watched so much television in all of our lives! Most days she is eating like gangbusters, about every hour and a half, which as you can imagine is quite exhausting. It is a bit hard to tell when she is actually hungry because she has an incredible suck reflex. Our midwife was amazed by her suck when she came to check in on us in the hospital after the birth. All I can say is thank the good lord for pacifiers. She is definitely getting more active this week. She is looking around a lot more and is holding her head up a good amount.
Bill and I got to go out on a date night last night. Thanks to grandma tere for watching our little girl. Of course, I wanted to go out to our favorite sushi restaurant, Kitsho, in Cupertino before checking out a movie. Mom came over around 7:30 and we walked her through the cloth diaper process and showed her where my pumped milk was. And then there was no more stalling, it was time to go. We drove to the restaurant. It felt so incredibly strange leaving Callie at home. I kept catching myself looking in the backseat for her. The urge to turn around and go get her was very strong! Its probably good that Bill was driving and not me! Dinner was lovely and it was nice to reconnect. Then it was off to our movie. We sat in the theater waiting for the movie to start. Bill said the funniest thing: "We are going to watch a movie...with other people!" We joked about how funny it would be if we fell asleep, which would not be hard. Callie hasn't been sleeping too well lately, which of course means we haven't either. I joked, "Ya, we'd pay $8 to take a 2 hour nap." Then we started ruminating on how much money we would pay to sleep uninterrupted for 2 hours. We decided we would definitely pay a decent amount of money! We enjoyed the movie and then it was time to go home. I practically wanted to sprint to the car. I had been restraining myself all night from texting my mom to ask how our girl was doing. I was so happy to see her when we came home but it was definitely good to have a break and be alone together, just the two of us.
I spent a good chunk of my pregnancy being worried about how this was all going to feel. I was convinced that I was going to have to force myself into this new role, into this new word: "mom." But how wrong I was. It was like the moment I met Callie I was immediately changed. One look into her face and I knew I would do anything to make her safe and happy. It has been an amazing journey. I never knew what we were missing without her in our lives. I never knew that her cries could instantly break my heart or that her little fish face could make me feel happier and more content than I ever thought possible. It is such a different kind of connection, a different kind of love than I ever experienced or ever expected. There are of course moments when it is overwhelming but the happy moments definitely outweigh the frustrated ones. We feel so incredibly blessed that Callie is with us.
Bill gave me a lovely gift for my first Mother's Day, besides a beautiful little girl! And that is a couple of hours outside of the house alone. It was a little weird at first, I hadn't driven in weeks or been alone either. I decided to go to Old Navy and Carters. My plan was to buy some "real" clothes again, but alas it was not to be. I was looking forward to non elastic jeans but my post baby bod isn't quite ready for that yet. I did find some cute stuff for our girl at Carters though, like that's hard! I rounded out my afternoon with a stop for lunch at Falafel Drive in. It really was the break I needed. The funny thing was I was super aware of all the babies around! It really made me miss my girl.
We had our favorite shutterbug come over the other day and take a few photos of our baby girl. Unfortunately our little girl only alternated between being dead asleep and crying! Oh well...There are some cute ones though. I included a picture Grandma tere took with her phone a few days ago with Callie's buddy Snuffie.
The days in the hospital were slow going because I was still healing. I am so glad we ended up not getting drugs or most medical interventions. I think my healing would have been even slower. The nurses would bring Callie in to nurse. The first day went well and then the day we were supposed to leave it all went to hell. Luckily, there was an amazing nurse that tracked down the lactation consultant for us. She was so helpful!! It was just such a struggle because Callie has a really strong suck reflex. I thought when they first put her on me that she had been born with teeth! Bill and I had a moment on the second day with her. The emotion and feeling of our little girl was just so overwhelming. She was finally with us and we were so happy. We just cried and cried. We talked about it days later and I told him how happy I was, that we were missing something in our lives and we didn't even know it. I never knew I could feel so incredibly content and to feel such love for another creature. It is just such a different love. That is not to say its been all roses and rainbows. The first night home from the hospital was mayhem. We got home late, around 4:30 pm. Grandma Tere had made dinner for us and helped us get settled. I continued trying to nurse but it was still a struggle. As the night wore on, Callie was getting more and more frustrated and I fell apart. I felt like I couldn't take care of her. Luckily mom and Bill were right there to pick me up and make me feel better. We were worried she wasn't getting enough to eat so we supplemented with some formula. I felt better. Then around 12:30am Bill had been up and woke me up. Callie had formula coming out of her nose, her mouth and she was so upset. It was awful! We got the nasal bulb and squeezed the formula out of her nose and we called mom to come and stay with us. We slept in shifts and finally around 4 in the morning I brought her into bed and let her sleep on me. I could slowly see more sunlight pouring into the adjacent room and I thought myself "Thank god! Morning is here and Callie is still alive and breathing!" The next few days we had lots of help, thankfully, from family bringing food and watching Callie while we could catch a few catnaps. Once my milk came in, things relaxed a great deal. We are still working on the sleeping at night thing, but I'm hoping that each day it will get better.
In the days leading up to the big day, I had been trying to figure out if I was feeling contractions or not. In our appointment with Bethany on what would be the day before Callie’s birthday, she told me “you’ll definitely know when you’re having contractions.” This was also when my blood pressure was much too high so I was basically put on bed rest.
The next morning, April 23rd, I started feeling something that felt like menstrual cramps at about 5am. By 7am they were 15 minutes apart. We called Tara, our doula and told her today was the day! She told me over the phone that 15 minutes apart wasn’tquite considered active labor and to go back to bed and rest if I could. Of course I couldn’t. So I got up and made some oatmeal since I didn’t know how long I would feel like eating. Bill got up too and started getting some things together, like our bribe for the nurses. The contractions started heating up later in the morning. I stayed in bed and Bill had an iphone app to time frequency and duration of contractions. So, there truly is an app for everything! Bill was running in and out of the room. Everytime he was out of the room and could hear me he would run back in so I could grab his hand and breath through each contraction as it came.We were trying different positions to lessen the pain, but nothing was really working, so I stayed in bed and labored there.
Tara came over around 1pm. She was amazing. She had the best positions for us to use. By this point and up until the end I was in the land of back labor. Because of the position of Callie’s head, it was putting all the pressure on my lower back. One of the funniest things about the whole process at home was that Milo never left my side.We labored in the bathroom for several hours. It was a good place. I was seated on the toilet backwards with a bunch of pillows in front of me for me to rest between contractions and to grip with the pain. Bill was there feeding me honey sticks and giving me water while Tara went to work on my back with each contraction reminding me to relax my muscles to allow Callie’s head to move down.Eventually I got into the bathtub and labored there. That was heaven with the warm water and the bubbles. Tara poured water over my belly with each contraction. Then it was time to change it up and speed things up. I got onto my hands and knees over an exercise ball and they turned the shower on. The contractions became agony. I was so tired and just started crying. We moved back onto the toilet and I hit my low point. I cried “I want to go to the hospital.” In my head, I was going to tell Bill that the minute we get to the hospital I want drugs, but I didn’t want to say it in front of Tara. It was at this point that my mom came over to get Milo. I can’t really put into words what it meant to see her there. She gave me a big hug and helped me breath through a few contractions until I asked for Bill to take me to the hospital. Tara told me “Going to the hospital won’t necessarily make it over faster.” They moved me back to bed and I labored there until we left for the hospital. In retrospect, this was the perfect move. I was so exhausted that I was sleeping between contractions, which were now every 3-4 minutes. Apparently at some point Milo and I were both snoring! At long last, Tara said it was time to go. I was so happy! I got dressed and Bill got the things into the car. I was relaxed, it was weird. Probably because I was just so happy we were finally going to the hospital. By this point it was about 8pm. Tara talked to me before we left. She told me to stay focused on the process we had made. She had told me that a good idea was to hold on to the handles in the car with each contraction to lift my butt off the seat and brace my legs against the floor of the car. I probably had 5 or so contractions in the car, but I felt so calm. I didn’t even care that Bill was driving slowly.We got to the hospital and Tara was amazed that I was smiling and talking. We parked and I was able to walk into the hospital. We walked in and of course I had to fill in paperwork. Why do they make women having contractions sign medical paperwork? We got our choice of delivery rooms and got set up. The contractions kept coming and Bethany came in. I was so glad Bethany was the midwife on call that night. We had seen her the most of the three midwives throughout the pregnancy. They hooked me up to a monitor to check the baby and connected me to penicillin because I was positive to Group B Strep. Bethany checked my cervix and I was 7 cm dilated! I was thrilled! I was laboring on top of the hospital bed for a while but the IV was really irritating. I really wanted to rip that sucker out of my arm, which is probably why the nurse put enough tape over it to restrain a wild animal.
Eventually they took out the IV and it was back to the bathroom to labor some more. It was at this point that I asked Bethany to just “take her out of me.” I was just so tired and wanted it to be over. Bethany replied “Oh yes, that’s what we midwives do, we just rip babies out of bellies.” We all laughed. At this point I was really focusing on trying to break my water, but it just wasn’t happening. Bethany gave me the option of keep doing what we’re doing or she could break my bag to speed things up. Guess what my answer was? Faster please! So they took a crochet needle and popped my bag. It was quite a sensation, like warm water running down your legs. Unfortunately, there was meconoium in the bag, so we had to move a little faster.
Finally it was time to waddle back to the bed because our girl was close! They put up the squat bar on the bed. I put all my weight on that bar like my life depended on it. The next day I couldn’t figure out why my arms were so sore and then I remembered. The amazing thing about this part of the process, the pushing part, is that it was so much better than just breathing through contractions. It felt good to be active. But I felt like an animal. It is such a primal experience that your body just totally takes over. The following days I kept remembering sounds I was making and things I was doing and it didn’t seem like it was me! Bethany, Tara and Bill were all with me getting me to push push push with each contraction. It was at this point that I couldn’t even feel contractions anymore, I was just pushing because I wanted her out. Bethany told me she could see the head coming. So it was on to my back while Bill and Tara each held one of my feet so I could push into them. I was pushing so hard and when part of her head was crowning I felt like her whole body was out. My perineum wasn’t stretching enough so Bethany had to cut me. She told me quickly and I remember feeling momentarily upset about it, but then I didn’t care. I was like, “Whatever. Do it!” The urge to push was so strong I was worried she wouldn’t have time to cut me, but she did. Bill looked up at me and told me he could see her and then there was no stopping me. Bill said it was like the whole baby just came out at once. The funny thing is I didn’t feel pain, I could feel some stretching as she came out, but that was it. I always thought I would feel agonizing pain but I guess there are just so many endorphins kicking in that you don’t. I was so relieved when she was out. Tara had told me that there were going to be other nurses coming in. She didn’t want me to freak out if I saw a bunch of new faces. But honestly I didn’t even notice. Not until after she was out. I was like, “Oh look. New people, when did they get here?”After she was out I pushed out the placenta which was definitely an odd sensation.
Then it got scary. I was bleeding, a lot. I could feel it rushing out of me. They immediately got Callie to cry, which wasn’t hard so she could expel the meconium on her own. Then theyliterally plopped this 8 pound baby on my chest to try to get my uterus to contract and stop the bleeding. Bill said afterwards my eyes were as big as saucers. I don’t remember what I said, but he told me I just kept saying “She’s so beautiful! I can’t believe she’s here!” That is certainly a moment that I want to keep in my mind forever. She opened her eyes and looked at me. In the meantime, Bethany was working furiously to stop the bleeding. They tried to put some pitocin in but my iv wasn’t working. So they put some blood pressure medication in me to stop the bleeding. The nurses kept pushing on my uterus to expel the blood and try to get my uterus to contract. Bethany stitched me up and we got to work trying to breastfeed. But honestly, I was so out of it I wasn’t much help so they got her latched as well as they could. Afterwards they got me cleaned up and it was time to get moved over to our recovery room. In the meantime, Bill went with Callie to the nursery for her vitamin k shot and her first bath. Tara stayed with me and I am so thankful for that. They got me into a wheelchair and we had to wait for one of the nurses to wheel me to our new digs. They were all busy so we were waiting for a while. After a while I started to feel really woozy. Which really shouldn’t have been a surprise since I had lost a lot of blood and had really only eaten a bowl of oatmeal all day. I almost passed out until Tara found some food for me to eat from the nurses. Poor Bill came in and said I looked like a ghost; even my lips were white. I was so thankful when we got to our room where I could pass out.
